Today is day one.
Day one of the blog and day one of TTC post miscarriage.
39 days ago my very first pregnancy ended. 39 days. It feels like it was both yesterday and a lifetime ago.
But today is not a day for crying, today is a good day. Today is an important day. Today is a day for looking forward.
For the first time in my life I was happy when my period started because that means my body is back to normal. My body is ready to be pregnant again. And I really want it to.
But I'm really scared. I think it's normal to be scared. But I'm scared that it will happen again. I'm scared that the moment my symptoms stop I will be on the phone with the doctor begging then for an appointment just to make sure everything is okay. I'm scared that at 30 it may already be too late for me to carry a baby for more than a few weeks. I'm scared that if I get emotionally involved again if things end badly I won't be able to pick up the pieces. I won't be able to put myself back together again.
I needed to get that out.
Now it's on to cycle 1. Let's hope that's all it takes.
I'm triple_sevens at the bump, and this entry really hit a nerve with me. I feel exactly the same way. I'm 2 days post d&c and waiting for my period--I can't wait for it to come and I'm terrified at the same time of starting again, of not getting pregnant or of losing another baby.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get good news soon, a sticky baby soon, and all happiness.